What Is Emotional Intelligence?
What Is Emotional Intelligence?
Understanding and working with emotions, not against them.
When people hear the term emotional intelligence, they often think of being “in touch with your feelings” or being calm under pressure. But emotional intelligence isn’t about being soft or passive—it’s about learning to recognize what you're feeling, why it’s happening, and how to respond in a way that aligns with your values.
It's not about suppressing your emotions. It's about being able to work with them.
Emotional Intelligence Is the Ability to:
The three “R”
Recognize what you’re feeling in the moment
Regulate your nervous system
Respond to the situation or person intentionally
When you develop emotional intelligence, you create space between the impulse and the action. That space is where choice lives. And that’s where change becomes possible.
You learn to pause, even for a second, before reacting. Over time, this builds your capacity to change your habits. In turn you give rise to more clarity, self-trust, and better relationships.
Emotional Intelligence Is Not Emotional Suppression
Suppressing emotions by pushing them down, ignoring them, or pretending they don’t exist, doesn’t make them go away. In fact, it often makes things worse. Emotions that are unacknowledged tend to show up in other ways: outbursts, shutdowns, anxiety, or physical symptoms like tension, shortness of breath, chest pain, fatigue, teeth grinding or clenching.
Emotional intelligence is the opposite. It’s about turning toward your emotional life with awareness. You learn how to feel without being flooded, and how to express without losing control.
Emotions Aren’t the Problem. They’re Signals.
According to psychologist David Barlow and the Unified Protocol for emotional disorders, emotions are short-lived, functional responses to perceived threats or needs. They're part of how we've evolved to survive and respond to the world.
Anger, for example, can signal that a boundary has been crossed. Anxiety may indicate a need for caution. Sadness can help us reflect or reach out for support. These signals are not flaws, they're guides.
Problems arise when we start fearing or avoiding our emotions. Or when we let them take over completely. Emotional intelligence helps you find a middle path: honoring your emotions without being ruled by them.
Learning to Pause, Notice and Regulate
The ability to pause, to take a breath, name what you're feeling, and make a conscious choice, is at the heart of emotional intelligence. It’s not about just being more calm, but about being present enough to stay connected to yourself. To notice your experience without judging it.
This takes practice! It’s a skill you can learn, not something you’re born with or without. And it can change your life from how you communicate in your relationships, to how you handle stress, conflict, or uncertainty.
The Takeaway
Emotional intelligence isn’t about having less emotions, it’s about becoming more aware and having a wider capacity to feel and contain your experience. It gives you the tools to stay grounded, act with intention, and build stronger connections, with yourself and others.
If you’re ready to develop your emotional intelligence and learn how to work with your emotions rather than against them, therapy can help.
If what you read here resonates with you, schedule a free 20 minute consultation or your first therapy session today. Click here
